


Reliably Unpredictable

by gutturalmess



Series: Deleted Scenes [2]
Category: CodotVerse, DC - Fandom, DCU
Genre: CV, CodotVerse - Freeform, Devil in Disguise (a Harley Quinn tag), Gotham City Sirens, I'm not kidding about that, Jervis is also homophobic in this 'Verse so be warned, Other, Sex ≠ Love, This is not for fans of Jervis Tetch, Tread Lightly (a Pamela Isley tag), Woman on Fire (a Selena Kyle tag), You Don't Own Me (a Gotham City Sirens tag)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 07:56:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15214604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gutturalmess/pseuds/gutturalmess
Summary: The girls get some down time after the lockdown.





	Reliably Unpredictable

**Author's Note:**

> Specific characterisations of these characters belong to the CodotVerse.

Selena walked down the empty halls of Arkham, spiked heels echoing around her. As she reached her first destination, Selena stopped and tapped her nails on the glass at her left; Harley looked up and laughed her surprise.  
“Hey porn star,” Selena said, leaning forward and resting a hand; Harley pulled herself up off the bed and pressed flush against her with only the glass to separate them.  
“Kitty!” She said, fogging the glass with her breath. “Whatcha doin’ in the loony bin again?”  
Selena smirked and lifted her free hand; Harley’s gaze followed it, eyes and smile lighting up her face as Selena waved the bottle of tequila.  
“Figured we could get the band back together.”  
“Ooh,” Harley breathed. “I’d love to! But the door -”  
“Unbunch those panties,” Selena grinned; she reached into a pocket and slid a keycard through the panel. “I got this.”  
“Ya know I don’t wear those,” Harley said, drawing a smiling face on the glass.  
“Never said they were yours,” Selena winked as with a beep and suction release, Harley’s door slid open; Harley turned and whipped out the door to knock Selena off her feet and onto the ground.  
“You bitch,” she laughed, kissing her on the mouth. “What about Red?”  
“She’s next,” Selena said, giving Harley a squeeze. “Come on.”  
“I’m so happy to see you,” Harley gushed, nuzzling her neck.  
“Me too,” Selena admitted, kissing her forehead. “This whole mess made me realise how much I missed you guys.”  
“Man, some girl time is just what I need.”  
Harley leapt up and ran down the hall, pressing her face against the glass.  
“Red!”  
“Harley? How’d you get out?”  
“Lookie!”  
“What?”  
Selena sauntered up to the glass, waving the bottle for Pamela’s benefit.  
“You up for it?”  
“Fuck yes,” Pamela said. “Get me out of here.”  
“Just gimme a sec, princess.”  
Pamela swanned out of her cell with a rare smile.  
“It’s so good to see you again, Puss,” she said. “I’d kiss you, but -”  
“I know, sweetie. Now let’s find us a corner to get wasted in.”  
“You got glasses, kitty?”  
“What, we fancy?” Selena grinned and drew three shot glasses out of her black vest. “Yeah, we are.”  
“Still warm,” Harley giggled, grabbing one and rubbing the glass against her face.

There were so few guards left, it was a cinch to find a deserted corner of the asylum. With a flourish, Selena cracked open the bottle.  
“No salt or lime - we shoot like men,” Harley said, deepening her voice.  
“Men?” Pamela snorted, giving her a nudge. “What men do you know who drink like us?”  
“Yeah, you’re right, most of ‘em slid under the table while we were still at it,” Harley said.  
“Besides honey lamb, we don’t need salt or lime,” Selena said. “This is top-shelf stuff; lifted it from Brucie’s wonderfully well-stocked cabinet. Costs about two hundred bucks a shot.”  
“You spoil us,” Pamela smiled.  
“Can’t think of anyone else I’d rather share it with,” Selena said, pouring.  
“We shoot like girls, then,” Harley giggled.  
“Agreed. To the sirens,” she grinned.  
“Girls come first,” Harley and Pamela echoed; they drank.  
“Mm. Damn, that is good,” Pamela said; Harley nodded.  
“Yeah, baby. More please!”  
“Glasses,” Selena urged, holding out the bottle; they refilled, and drank again.  
“That lockdown was a wild ride, wasn’t it?” Selena said, refilling glasses; Pamela leaned her head against the wall to drink, then left it there.  
“Fucked, is what it was.”  
“Wasn’t sure we were going to make it out of that alive,” Selena said, topping them up.  
“Yeah,” Harley said with a grin. “Eddie baby was lucky to have us around.”  
“Sure was,” Pamela rolled her eyes, then closed them. “Could have been all three of us, if not for that fuckin’ Penguin on a power trip.”  
“Party pooper,” Harley said, tipping up her pinky to drink. “But still… poor Ikky. And poor Jonny.”  
“Eh,” shrugged Pamela. “I’m sadder for the bird; she was the innocent one.”  
“Only one ‘round here that was,” Selena said, refilling.  
“Yeah,” Harley giggled. “I love Jonny, but he sure ain’t.”  
“Neither are we,” Pamela said.  
“And proud of it,” Selena said; they nodded and clinked glasses.  
“No one’s even innocent enough to be a virgin, in here,” Pamela grinned.  
“You sure about that?” Selena asked. “There’s got to be someone who still is.”  
“The last bastion of innocence?” Pamela said, opening her eyes. “Maybe my plants.”  
“There must be someone in here,” Harley said, drinking. “Someone who - who - makes you think, ‘God, who’d fuck that’?”  
“Fuckin’... Harkness,” Pamela snarled. “Gonna chop that boy’s dick off, next time he pushes his luck.”  
“You should sound him, instead,” said Harley, covering her mouth.  
“Do what?”  
“Yeah, sound him,” Selena agreed, grinning. “That’ll teach him.”  
“Still… not getting it,” Pamela said, crinkling her brow. “Is this some straight thing?”  
“It’s when you stick a steel rod down a guy’s dick,” Harley said, trying to keep a straight face; her mouth twitched. “They either love it or hate it.”  
“God,” Pamela rolled her eyes. “The shit that guys do with their dicks; I bet he’d love it.”  
“And it can hurt. So win win,” Selena said.  
”Wait. Wait wait wait. I got it,” Harley grinned. “I got it.”

“Well, don’t leave us in suspense,” Selena said, pouring out more shots. Harley giggled around hers, sucking it back to keep from dribbling down her chin.  
“Tetch,” she snorted, raising her fingers to her lips.  
“Ugh,” Selena groaned. “You’re right. Who _would_ fuck that?”  
“Not me,” Harley shook her head. “Creepy little jerk.”  
“He’s a worm,” Pamela said, lip curled.  
“I used to be his fuckin’ therapist; always thinks women owe him somethin’ when he’s nice to ‘em,” Harley shuddered.  
“Hang on. Tetch?” Pamela asked, frowning.  
“Yeah, what?”  
“Remembered something. Before - didn’t… Edward say he knew something?” Pamela turned to Harley, who furrowed her brow.  
“Yeah, you’re right. Said he knew more than he was sayin’.”  
Selena started to laugh. It started as a low chuckle and grew upwards into a throaty laugh that dropped her head back against the wall. Pamela and Harley stared at her, then at each other, then back to Selena.  
“What?” They asked in unison; Selena lowered her head and looked at them, eyes gleaming.  
“Ohh… he knew something, did he?”  
“Eddie’s usually right,” Harley shrugged.  
“Well, as you already know. We have ways…” Selena said, “of making boys talk. That only we can do.”  
Smiles crept up their faces.  
“You’re not suggesting…” Pamela said, raising a finger.  
“Oooh, I hope ya are,” Harley breathed, grabbing Pamela’s finger. “Just like old times?”  
“Yes,” Selena hummed out another laugh. “Yes. Let’s fuck that boy up.”  
Harley squealed and clapped her hands; Pamela grinned.  
“Where is he?” Selena asked, pouring out the last dregs of tequila.  
“Eddie tossed ‘im back in his cell after lockdown… told ‘im he could rot there,” Harley tilted her head. “Leland gave ‘im a bunch of meds, so he’s lucid. Down the hall.”  
“Tonight - he’s the luckiest man on Earth,” Selena said, licking her lips.

The three of them walked to Tetch’s cell arm-in-arm, laughing and walking only slightly unsteadily; Pamela at one end carried a small pot-plant under one arm. On the other, Selena slowly shook a can of spray paint.  
“Little rabbit,” she cooed. “Gonna getcha…”  
“Go ask Alice, I think she’ll know,” Harley sang, giggling.  
Reaching the door, they raised their hands to scratch at the glass. Spooked, Jervis cowered into a corner.  
“Who’s there?” He bleated, looking up at the glass. They tilted their heads, smiling and waving at him; he gave them a hopeful grin.  
“Am I dreaming?”  
“Nope,” Selena said, unlocking the door. Tetch watched them as they opened the door and walked in, dropping to their knees and crawling toward him. Slipping through the shadows, Selena popped up under his camera and covered the lens with paint.  
“W-what are you doing?”  
“No witnesses,” Selena whispered. “Because this is no dream.”  
“This is definitely real,” Pamela purred, setting down her plant beside his bed; Jervis cast a quick look at it and trembled.  
“Nice black eye,” Harley murmured, reaching out a hand to his face. “How’d you get that one?”  
“Most unfair,” Jervis scowled. “That bastard Edward has been so rude to me. Beat me up and broke my cups.”  
Selena and Harley exchanged glances.  
“Manly man,” Harley grinned.  
“Lucky,” Selena grinned. “Edward’s so pretty when he’s mad.”  
“Pity he’s not here,” Harley murmured. “Y’know how he likes to watch.”  
“Now _that_ would be just like old times,” Selena purred, making Harley giggle.  
“You want to know why we’re here, little man?” Pamela asked, green eyes luminescent in the gloom; Jervis stared at her, wide-eyed and hypnotised in the headlights.  
“Y-yes,” he whimpered.  
“We heard,” Selena whispered, “that you’ve yet to experience the intimate touch of a woman.”  
Jervis looked at them, blinking rapidly. “What do you mean?”  
The three of them settled on the floor, sprawling over each other; he stared at them in wonder, chewing his bottom lip.  
“Jervis - are ya a virgin?” Harley asked, tilting her head and smiling; he immediately blushed bright red and coughed.  
“A - a gentleman never answers such questions as that.”  
“We’re not asking a gentleman,” Pamela said.  
“We’re asking you,” Selena finished.  
“Well, I - I’m - I’m saving myself. For the right woman.”  
Selena leaned back against Pamela, who wrapped an arm around her; both chuckled.  
“That’s gotta be the saddest fuckin’ ‘no’ I’ve ever heard,” Selena murmured.  
“But,” Harley shook her head, tutting. “Look at us - we’ve not even got his consent, first.”  
“Tsk. It _has_ been a long time,” Selena said; Pamela nodded.  
“Will you let us… teach you the ways of intimacy, Jervis?”  
“Yes!” Jervis replied, too quickly; they exchanged smirks. “I mean … yes.”  
“Could we -”  
“Anything!” He practically shouted. “Please, anything!”  
“Anything, huh…” Pamela turned to Harley, who narrowed her eyes.  
“Sounds like a blank check to me, Red. Kitty?”  
“I say we break the bank.”  
“The poor boy,” Pamela crooned. “Saving himself, all this time.”  
“Tell ya what, little mousey,” Harley said, “let’s see how much ya got to spend.”  
Harley lifted her fingers with an evil grin; Jervis stared at her.  
“You look - look so like Alice,” he said; scarcely had she gotten her fingers within an inch of his crotch than his eyes rolled back and he came.

There was a pause; then they started to laugh.  
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Selena drawled.  
“Saving himself, huh? Looks like all he’s got is loose change,” Harley giggled.  
“Be fair, there was inflation,” Pamela said, laughing.  
“Not a lot of interest, though,” Selena said; they fell over each other.  
“I have never - felt more gay than I do right now,” Pamela managed to gasp out; they corpsed.  
“Is - is something wrong?” Jervis asked, seemingly recovered; Harley threw him a scornful look.  
“Look, honey - if my man ever busted that fast, I’d have his dick locked in a cage for a week.”  
“Same,” Selena said. “Two weeks, even.”  
“W-what do I do?” Jervis quavered.  
“Maybe touch yourself a little less,” Selena winked.  
“Like you can talk,” Harley said, giving her a nudge.  
“How about we teach him a lesson about keeping his hands to himself?” Pamela said; Selena and Harley grinned at her. Pamela picked up the pot plant and began to coo at it; as they watched, vines grew from the dirt and twined around Jervis’ wrists and ankles, lashing him to the wall. He turned to look at himself, eyes wild but arousal tenting his pants once again.  
“What are you going to do to me?” He demanded, voice clear and confidence growing; the girls shared glances.  
“Comes once and thinks he knows the score,” Selena sneered, pulling a gag from her pocket and stuffing it in his mouth; smiling, she placed her hand on his cheek and ran it down his chest. When she reached his waistband and toyed with it, sure enough, with a choked gasp he came again; Selena rolled her eyes.  
“And I thought I knew pre-pubescent boys,” she said. “But you’ve got them beat.”  
Harley crossed her arms. “Pitiful,” she said.  
“Mmph!”  
“Shush,” Selena said, holding out a silencing finger. “Wait your turn. Speaking of turns... you’re up next, Pam.”  
She and Harley turned to Pamela, grinning; she shrugged.  
“Like hell am I touching him. Besides, the fuck do I know about dicks?”  
“Ya never had a bi phase?” Harley said, tilting her head.  
“Ehh,” Pamela said, waving a hand. “Nothing consummated.”  
“Tell you what,” Selena grinned, nudging Harley. “We’ll teach you, too. This one needs a lesson on not coming so fast - your little shrub got… hmm… three vines to spare?”  
“Let’s see,” Pamela turned to her plant, singing. “What do you say, baby? You got three more for momma?”  
Sure enough, three thin vines twined out the pot, writhing in the air.  
“So good, baby,” she crooned; she turned to the others. “Now what?”  
“Have one of them hold his dick tight,” Harley grinned, making an O out of her index and thumb. “Right at the base; like a ring.”

“Let’s see it, then,” Selena grinned; stepping forward, Harley dragged down Jervis’ pants and underwear. The three of them tilted their heads as they looked at his dick.  
“Mmph?”  
As one, they shrugged.  
“Eh,” Pamela said. “Fine, I guess. Y’know, for a dick.”  
“Had bigger,” Selena said.  
“Had _much_ bigger,” Harley grinned; they turned to her.  
“Joker?”  
“As much as he’d love for me to say yes,” she laughed, “he's about seven. What about our boy Brucie?”  
“A very pretty eight.”  
“Ooh, nice.”  
“Now,” Selena said. “The virgin. One of those vines can stroke his dick for you…”  
“‘Cos I sure am not,” Pamela said, wrinkling her nose.  
“And the other can give him a nice little tickle up the ass,” Harley smirked, wiggling her index finger. Jervis protested, muffled; Selena raised her eyebrows to the others and pulled the gag out.  
“Got something to tell the class, squirt?”  
“I’m not some f-fucking _bender_ , madam.”  
“A…” Harley said, blinking. “What?”  
“Bender! Faggot! Fairy! I’m not _gay_!”  
Selena and Harley tutted, shaking their heads; Pamela gave him a cool stare.  
“ _I’m_ gay. What d’you say to that?”  
“Oh, it’s alright when it’s women. Women are b-beautiful. Besides, they’re not really only attracted to w-women. They just need the love of a good - mmph!”  
Selena stuffed the gag back in with a sneer.  
“That’s enough of _that_ ,” she said; Pamela rolled her eyes.  
“Typical. Man who’s never been laid in his life assumes women are waiting for him. You’re lucky I’m in a good mood, little man,” she purred; the vines tightened, making him squeak. “If this were any other day, my Venus flytrap would be suckling your balls.”  
Harley leaned forward, playful smile on her lips.  
“I’m startin’ to get why Eddie don’t like ya. Thought he was just bein’ prissy but turns out, not so much.”  
“Mmph,” Jervis glared at her.  
“Look,” she said, tone honeyed. “You’ll like it. Trust me.”  
Jervis grumbled around the gag; Harley flicked his nose.  
“Besides, it’s us girls who’re doin’ it to ya. How can it be gay when it’s girls?”  
Jervis paused; Harley laughed.  
“Ya know I’m right. Don’t you wanna do it the way the big boys do?”  
With a resigned shrug, he sighed.  
“Looks to me like someone unclenched,” Harley giggled, standing up. “Do your magic, Red.”  
Pamela picked up the pot plant and kissed one of the fronds; it crinkled happily. She looked straight at Jervis; he quivered.

One vine tightened around the base of his dick; his eyes rolled. Another coiled and stroked the shaft with firm, steady rhythm. Harley crossed her arms and grinned; Selena tilted her head and touched her chin.  
“That’s not a bad idea,” she murmured, watching; within no time at all, he was shaking and breathing hard, threatening to come again if not for the vine ring.  
“The one for the ass,” Selena said, “do it now.”  
“Then let go of the ring,” Harley added.  
Pamela hummed, and the third vine crept behind Jervis; his whole body jerked when it made contact and the vine ring released. Like a shot, he was coming all over himself, whimpering. The girls watched, impassive.  
“It’d be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic,” Selena said, sighing and turning to Harley.  
“Man, this is killin’ my buzz,” Harley said. “Why couldn’t this have been one of the pretty boys?”  
“They’ve all gotten laid,” Selena said. “Pity.”  
“Fuckin’ tragedy, is what.”  
“To me, babies,” Pamela cooed; the three vines retreated back into the pot. Selena stepped forward and snatched her gag from Jervis’ mouth.  
“How you feeling?”  
“N-no m-more,” Jervis begged. “Please.”  
“Oh there’ll be one more,” Selena said. “One each, then one big one for all of us.”  
“No… please…”  
“Now,” Selena said, ignoring him, “which of you lovely ladies knows how to milk a prostate?”  
“W-what?!”  
“Ooh!” Harley hopped up and down. “Me, me! I do that to Mr. J all the time oh God don’t tell him I told ya that…”  
Harley covered her face; Selena and Pamela snorted with laughter.  
“I’m, like, 99 percent sure he wouldn’t care, but…” she waved a hand, “there’s that 1 percent that says he could still get pissy about it.”  
“Just between us girls, then. Wait,” Pamela frowned. “Is he gonna mind if you do this?”  
“Fuck no,” Harley laughed. “This ain’t sex, Red, it’s violence.”  
“Good point,” Selena nodded. “I’ll remember that one for Bruce.”  
“Oh hey, d’ya have any gloves, Kitty? I ain’t doin’ this thing bareback,” she curled her lip and tossed her head. “Not for him.”  
“I’ll do you one better,” Selena reached into her vest and pulled out a long, black tube; as Pamela and Harley watched, she flicked a switch. Electricity sparked from the end of the rod, lighting up Selena’s grinning face.  
“Ohh, I know that thing! That’s one of Dickie Grayson’s tasers!”  
“Where’d you get that?” Pamela marvelled; Selena shrugged, nonchalant.  
“When people leave their things lying around in locked cabinets deep in the Bat Cave, things go missing. He was asking for it, really.”  
“Wh-what’s going on?”  
Having happily forgotten he was there, they turned to him as one, eyes suddenly cold; he tried to press himself back into the wall.  
“Look here, small fry,” Harley hissed. “This is where the friendly shit stops. We know you had something to do with Ikky.”  
“B-but - said to Edward - not my idea! Not my fault!”  
“Like hell,” Pamela snarled. “Complicit is the same as guilty.”  
“Bolton said take the bird! Caw caw! Bird not happy!”

There was a pause.  
“ _Take_ the bird?” Harley asked, looking at the other two, who echoed: “ _Bolton_?”  
“You _stole_ her?” Selena demanded; Jervis squeaked. “For who?”  
“Don’t know! Not my business!”  
“Fuck. So Crane flipped his lid and tried to kill us all, because of you?” Pamela said, fuming.  
“Not me! Not me!”  
“Ya sure as hell didn’t help, ya rat!” Harley hissed.  
“You put us through a world of shit, little man,” Selena said, shaking her head. “That’s not something girls like us forgive in a hurry.”  
“Jonny thought she was dead. We all thought she was dead… and it made Jonny real unhappy,” Harley said, moving her unsmiling face right by Tetch’s shaking one. “Jonny bein’ unhappy got my puddin’ in the infirmary... and that makes _me_ unhappy. And when Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  
“B-but you’re supposed to be nice -!”  
There was a pause as the three of them stared at him; then, they started to laugh.  
“Us? Nice?” Selena sniggered. “Since when?”  
“Maybe you’re thinking of the Birds of Prey. You know, the good girls?” Pamela luxuriantly stretched her arms over her head.  
“Hah!” Harley laughed, bopping Jervis on the head with the taser. “Like those girls could teach anyone how to fuck. They don’t know, either.”  
“Mm,” Selena grinned. “Maybe we should make that our next charitable donation.”  
Pamela laughed. “I’d go for that.”  
“Me too,” Harley giggled. “I just know poor Babs doesn’t get done right by Dickie Grayson.”  
“Right?” Selena said, grinning. “Don’t you just get that vibe?”  
“You mean the lights-out, missionary, dick-through-the-pants vibe?”  
“Yeah, that one!”  
They laughed, then reluctantly turned back to Jervis.  
“Ya stupid boy,” Harley said with a smile. “What made ya think we were nice?”  
“D-don’t know…”  
“That’d be ya problem, I’d say. Ya just don’t think.”  
“B- but you can’t do this to me!” Jervis struggled against the vines; they tightened. As one, the girls scoffed.  
“We said we’d teach ya,” Harley said. “Remember that?”  
“Y-yes, but -”  
“You said anything. Remember that?” Harley’s voice was a harsh whisper.  
“Y-yes -”

Harley widened her eyes and tilted her head, pigtails bobbing; she wound a strand of hair around her index finger. “Ya mean,” she said in a trembling, girlish voice, “ya don’t want me?”  
“I - I - didn’t say that,” Jervis said; Harley leaned closer, pouting.  
“How do ya want me?” She whispered.  
“Well…I - I - ”  
“Ya want me to kiss ya?”  
“Y-yes…”  
“Hold ya close?”  
“Y-yes…”  
“Drop to my knees, make ya come, and then swallow ya down?”  
Jervis flushed. “Y-yes.”  
“Say that ya want me, then.”  
“I- I want you.”  
“More than anything?”  
“A-a-anything.”  
Harley’s voice dropped an octave. “Do ya trust me?”  
“Y-yes.”  
“Will ya do this for me?”  
“A-anything for you, Alice,” he said dreamily. “A-anything.”  
Tricked into docility, he lapsed into silence, a dopey grin on his face. Harley straightened up and looked over her shoulder with a triumphant smirk.  
“That puts us at Anything, Part Two,” Harley hissed. “Gimme the taser, Kitty.”  
“Oh God, I take it back,” Pamela breathed. “Right now is the gayest I’ve ever felt.”  
Harley winked at Pamela as she took the taser. “Toss me his lube, Red.”  
“How d’you know he has some?” Pamela said, turning to rifle through the bedside table; Harley laughed. “Leland gives him a whole box to keep him from talking to himself all night.”  
“Didn't Edward used to pay for it?” Selena asked; Harley nodded, cackling.  
“Eddie set up a fund; said it was the only way he could get enough sleep without knocking him out every night.”  
“The First Bank of Wank,” Selena laughed.  
“Ooh, I got it,” Pamela skied the lube in Harley’s direction, who caught it in one hand. “You were right - he’s got a whole bunch of them in there,” she laughed.

“I dunno if Dickie’s got a name for this baby, but today - her name is Alice,” Harley flicked off the cap with her thumb, grinning at Jervis as she lifted the taser and coated it with lube; he roused, staring at the baton.  
“P-please don’t hurt me, Alice,” Jervis said.  
Harley widened her eyes again, all innocence. “Ya know Alice would never hurt ya.”  
“I know,” he smiled, soothed.  
“Besides,” she said chattily, “ya never know if ya like somethin’ if ya never try it. Welcome to a whole new world. Now relax! I’m a doctor.”  
Harley leaned in, lip curling. Gently, firmly, persistently, ceaselessly - she pushed the baton up his ass. Jervis’ eyes rolled back, his body broke out in a cold sweat and he quivered; his face battled with confusion and unfamiliar sensation. Grinning, Harley probed the area. Jervis gasped and cried out.  
“Think I found the white rabbit, girls,” Harley murmured, looking over her shoulder.  
“Wonderful to watch a master at work,” Selena sighed, resting against Pamela, who carded a gentle hand through her hair; Harley laughed and turned up the juice on the taser, starting at the lowest setting.  
“Now grit your teeth and think of England,” she grinned horribly, “‘cause here comes the super fun part.”  
Relentless, she pushed into his prostate and slammed the taser up to a higher setting as he shrieked, writhed, and came again, face contorted with pleasure and pain; this time, he emitted a small groan and fainted. The girls exchanged looks, amused.  
“Didn’t last long, did he?” Selena said; Pamela shook her head.  
“Sad, really.”  
“This doctor says the boy’s got a terminal case of _Duo-Pump-Chumpitis_ ,” Harley giggled and clapped her hands. “Now, get all his lube - I got an idea.”  
“What’s on your twisted mind, girl?” Selena grinned.  
“Grab that pillow; let’s show everyone what he is.”

Baxter, one of the last surviving senior guards, took care of lights up. As he walked past Jervis Tetch’s cell, he nodded and kept on. Then he stopped, blinked, and ran back. Jervis was spread-eagled on the floor of his cell: naked, covered in feathers, and singing; his hat was perched jauntily over his crotch, preserving what little dignity he had left.  
“Tetch!” He hollered, tapping the glass. “Look alive!”  
Jervis raised his head, feathers ruffling.  
“What happened to _you_?”  
“Stool pigeon, ha-cha-cha-cha,” Jervis sang.  
“Who did this to you, was it Joker?”  
“Stool pigeon, ha-cha-cha-cha,” Jervis sang, giggling.  
Baxter shook his head and sighed; there’d be no sense out of him today. Better check on Joker then, see if he had gotten out of the infirmary to mess with Tetch. On the way he passed by Dr. Isley’s greenhouse and admired the greenery; blinking in surprise, he saw that Pamela herself was stretched out on her hammock, naked as usual and hair trailing down to touch the floor. Pamela lifted her hand and waved her fingers when she noticed him, smiling and looking like a shining jewel perched inside a bear trap.  
“Come hither, hither, pretty fly…” she crooned; Baxter shivered.  
“Uh -” he opened his mouth, then closed it again. Better to just leave her alone - it wasn’t the end of the world that she was out of her cell, since she wasn’t doing any harm. Besides, it wasn’t a good idea to interact with Dr. Isley by yourself at any time, let alone when she was in her greenhouse. Briskly, he nodded to her and took off to the infirmary; behind him, he heard Pamela laughing.  
“Right. Where’s Joker,” he said, taking a deep breath as he opened the door; but, whatever he had been expecting, it wasn’t this. Harley Quinn was sharing the small bed with Joker, head resting on his chest and sleeping peacefully. Joker was so pale without his makeup on, Baxter thought, like a marble statue; without the ability to maintain his green hair, the white roots were starting to show.  
“Harley,” he whispered; she shifted, and moaned softly.  
“Harley,” he whispered again, louder. Harley opened her eyes and blinked at him.  
“Oh. Hi, honey,” she smiled. “Whassup?”  
“Did -” he stopped, then thought again. “Have you been here all night?”  
Harley shrugged. “More or less.”  
“Did he leave here at any time? Joker, that is?”  
Harley rested her chin on Joker’s chest and shook her head. “Poor baby’s weak as a kitten,” she said, then winked. “I’ve been watchin’ over ‘im.”  
“Alright, well anyway,” he groaned, “You know you’re not supposed to be in here.”  
“Oh, just five more minutes,” she pouted, nuzzling Joker, who stirred and kissed her forehead.  
“Look, just - get back to your cell so I don’t have to file a report about this.”  
“Phooey,” she sighed. “Looks like I gotta go, puddin’,” Harley reluctantly hauled herself up and gave Joker a kiss; he opened his eyes and smiled at her.  
“You still owe me a banana cream pie,” he whispered; she giggled.  
“Soon as I can get a can of whipped cream… then it’ll be _pow_. Right in the kisser,” she murmured, nipping at his bottom lip.  
“I’ll be holding you to that, boo,” he said, smirking up at her; she grinned and made for the door. “Y’all come back now,” he called after them.  
“I’ll take you back to your cell. Come on,” Baxter said, closing the door behind them. “By the way - do you know what happened to Jervis Tetch?”  
“Tetch?” Harley said innocently. “No. What happened to ‘im?”  
“I found him naked and covered in feathers, singing that he was a stool pigeon.”  
“Ooh, I love that song,” Harley giggled. “Whoever did it - that’s a good gag. If I knew who it was, I’d shake ‘em by the hand.”  
Baxter sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Come on, let’s go.”  
“You’re the boss, boss,” Harley grinned, then started to sing. “Stool pigeon - ha-cha-cha-cha!”


End file.
